Betrayal

In what feels like a betrayal of everything I’ve tried to be the last couple of years, I realized the other night that I truly am a child of the 80’s. I want the big house with the nice car. I want what I want, when I want it. Looking at houses in nice neighborhoods in good school districts made me realize that we are going to have to spend a good deal of money to get into those schools. Looking at the houses and figuring out how much we can afford has reawakened the greedy in me. I want the kind of house I grew up in in the 80’s; a big house in a nice neighborhood. I want it without all the other debt in our lives though.

 

We have the minivan with its loan. We are going to have a huge mortgage no matter what we do, for the neighborhoods that we want (the ones that feed into good schools). We are going to have debt. But, we are also going to be able to pay off that debt. I know I said we were going to do that right now but, if we are going the new construction route and buying in six or seven months, all of the money that was going to go to the debt is going to get thrown into savings for closing costs.

 

Really though, I am just realizing that, despite my best efforts, I am plenty materialistic. I said as much to Hubby and he said, “Yeah. I’ve known that for years.” Well, heck. I hoard books. (although, it’s not hoarding if it’s books – it’s a library!) I buy things all the time. I’ve gotten better about not shopping as a sport, but I still overspend on things all the time, groceries is just the most recent example. I like shopping. I like buying things.

 

I feel like I’ve betrayed you all. While I’ve tried to be green and thrifty, really I’ve just been failing all over the place. I am neither green, nor thrifty most of the time. I shall keep trying, but I can’t guarantee that I’ll ever be anything but materialistic at heart. We are going to buy the big house, we already have the nice car, we have two kids, two cats, and a dog. We have the traditional American Dream. While I don’t really care what the Joneses have, I want what I had, for my kids. They’ll grow up in a neighborhood where we can let them play out front with the dog to look after them, without having to worry so much about them. They’ll have kids their own age to play with (they don’t here), and they’ll go to school with them. Right now their friends are scattered all over the city because they don’t go to a neighborhood school.

 

Really, don’t we all want that? A nice house, a good school, a reliable car, and a safe neighborhood? Hubby and I had talked about a smaller house in a place with more land, but then I saw this one and we both fell in love. The location of this neighborhood is right where we want as well. It’s not out in the country, away from everything, it’s actually right in the middle between his parent’s house and his sister’s.

 

Listen to me trying to justify my materialism. I’m Madonna in the 80’s. There’s no getting around it, I have been trying for at least the past couple of years. I will keep trying, too. I want to save up enough to move in six months. We will be employing our best thrifty moves for the next little while. It’s hard for me to see it as anything but temporary though. Just until we move. Just until the credit card is paid off. Just until whatever. Then I get to go back to spending whatever I want (as long as it doesn’t get us back in debt).

 

I’m 40 years old and I have no willpower. Is there any hope for me to ever truly conquer this? And do I even want to? UGH!

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6 Responses to Betrayal

  1. J.L. Bishop says:

    Are you truly a spendthrift or is this (house) your goal. Just because some of us are looking for different goals like paying off everything to stop working does not mean we stopped spending. But that is my goal. Having a nice home and being able to give to your kids might simply be YOUR ultimate Goal. There is nothing wrong with that! 🙂

  2. I am not actually sure if it’s everything or just the house. I want the best house we can afford. We have pretty much everything I want already, so I’m not terribly worried about stuff, but I tend to overspend on most things. I get dazzled by the possibilities. I may calm down once I’ve seen a few homes and figured out what we want vs. what we can afford. I hope so, I’m a little bit crazy right now.

  3. Mrs. Mother Dirt says:

    I can relate to your feelings. I can be thrifty, have a zero waste kitchen, only purchase what I need right now and then blow it in one trip to target or an online shopping sale. Our generation grew up consuming. It’s been engrained. Money to “throw around” = freedom, but we know that’s actually a total lie. A trick popogated by advertisers. It’s tough to break the spell. I am still trying
    myself. Don’t give up. You will get your house.

    • Oh, thank you! It is hard as heck to break the habits of a lifetime. I really do want to ge thriftier than I was, and I’ve actually made great strides in that direction. I just need to remember that there will be times that I’ll back slide or fall, but that’s not the end, it’s just part of the journey. It’s nice to know that it’s not just me, too. I’m not a conspicuous consumer, but sometimes I really want to be.

      • Mrs. Mother Dirt says:

        I try to read blog like yours to stay focused 🙂

      • I just get caught off every once in a while. I’ve been materialistic my whole life, and it is truly an uphill battle sometimes. Thanks so much for the words of encouragement, they’ve helped set me back on a more even keel.

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